General Conference

Mormonism is a benign religion preaching (although not practicing) acceptance of other cultures. If my coworkers could be promoted as the sole representatives of the faith, the Mormon religion would gain far wider acceptance then its current 13 Million members, numbering only slightly higher than the World of Warcraft players of Earth.

There are many stereotypes regarding the Mormon religion and from my brief stay in Utah I have learned that no person professing to follow the Mormon religion as promoted by the Church of Latter day Saints (LDS Church) practices polygamy. The rest is all fairly accurate. Today I had the pleasure of attending the largest Mormon gathering in the US, the 177th General Conference. A semi annual event when top church officials work together to produce a televised marketing campaign.

It was actually an extremely disappointing experience. Prior to entering I encountered Christian fanatics whose God obviously told them it was their mission to come out to vocally condemn the Mormons.

I left without conversing with these individuals content only in my knowledge that they would become thoroughly soaked in the freezing downpour and would get their wish of meeting their god soon enough.

My parking pass, admission ticket and the jacket that held both; stated that no recording devices were permitted inside the church, which made me a bit anxious regarding my planned recording excursion. I tried to keep cool as I emptied my pockets including my camera phone prior to walking past the extremely large and I imagine well armed gentleman guarding the metal detectors. A lady operating the machine actually picked up my phone and asked out loud what it was, phone I said, ringer on silent, as I swiped it from her grasp and shoved it in a pocket hurrying past.

My ticket was inspected by no less than a dozen attendants each directing me closer to my assigned section. I was not surprised by the number of staff assigned to keep order during the event, although disappointed when Linda was stationed next to my seat as if to make sure I conducted myself properly.
Linda watched me like a hawk, and yet like a weasel I managed to snap a few shots as she scurried up and down the aisles.

The lights dimmed to signal the start of the event and everyone bowed their heads in a prayer lead by a church official on stage. I never before appreciated American cultural diversity until this moment when it was evident the one token black choir boy was the only African American in the room. Then the commercials began.

As the public relations director for my company I am familiar with spin when it slaps me in the face. The entire service was nothing less than a 2 hour long infomercial. A speech preaching acceptance of other races and cultures was delivered by a Chinese man, one of three in the room. A top official preached on the benefits of Mormonism, sighting longer life spans and a divorce rate lower than the national average. Judging by the 5 to 1 ratio of LDS women with children looking for male companionship on a popular dating site, I have to believe he meant 49.5%.

I was really hoping to see what the religion was about instead of 2 hours obviously meant to promote the religion to those who may be tuning in out of curiosity. The high point of the show was a cute girl sitting next to me slipping a note into my lap. It read “I found Mormonism when I was 18 … changed my life … my husband … invite you to learn more”. Crap, I forgot to wear a white T-shirt to mimic the religious garments worn by those of the Mormon faith. Either that or my uncontrolled giggling during a hymn sung by the choir “Gird up your Loins”. Yes I know, very mature.

I realize I only fall back on the Jewish faith when it is convenient but I can’t think of a more appropriate time in my life when claiming complete faith to another religion would have been more beneficial. We Jews actually have it fairly good. A Jew can eat bacon and neglect Synagogue for, what’s it been? Over 20 years and still remain every bit a Jew.

Toward the end of the 2 hour session, I noticed people beginning to fidget. No longer were men bowing with eyes closed when a new official would say a prayer prior to his presentation and women were digging deep in their purses for what I found out soon enough were full sized cameras. During the last 10 minutes flashes could be seen from every section.

More Christians had arrived with signs by the time I made it outside. Not the most intelligent thing to do in a state that can bar cameras but not guns from buildings of worship.